Before we know of love, we know not life.

I grew up with much love. My family went above and beyond to make sure I had all kinds of resource to “win ahead” in the game of life.

However, what was intertwined with their love was insatiable expectations. While excelling in both school works and extra curriculum activities, I was constantly told that I could do better.

Better. Better. Better. I was too young to understand I didn’t need to be better to be loved. This, into adulthood, began to take its toll.

Thanks to a total stranger in a foreign country showered me with love before she even knew me and continued empowering me after she was long gone, which gave me the map to re-learn self-love and the love as it is when the toll nudged me into depression.

I have been a committed voyageur on the path of love for 20+ years.

A river ebbs and turns, goes through floods and draughts and yet, never loses sight of the destination.

Best university, 2 degrees, employed by top companies. What could go wrong?

Everything!

I was so busy keeping scores that I was caught in the motion to be Better. Better. Better. “You are only deserving when you are better.”

The unconditional love didn’t disappear but I was too exhausted upholding the appearances to notice this disalignment was about to erupt into depression.

I was always angry, short tempered, cynical beyond my age and felt lonely and BROKEN.

Until it was too much to bear in the dark, was I urged to walk towards the light.

I not only got out of depression but also began the journey of understanding who I was and exploring who I could be.

You can hit it hard or you can call in god.

The undertone of my beautiful, gelato-filled Italian days was the struggle with immigration paper. It was a vicious circle between legal papers and getting a full time job.

I walked the streets lined with fashion & luxury retail stores early morning to hand in CV. I sent 500 CVs out if not more and built a system to track all contacts, communications and interviews.

Countless times, I sat on the sidewalk and cried after the visit to the immigration office; then, wiped the tears, went for my part-time shift.

It came a moment I had to lay out my goals and weight the priorities. I let go of my obsession, believing Italy was the only way. I let go, without uttering one word to another soul; China happened.

One of the most life changing opportunities came to me through an intense, committed thought. There, I was open up to the force of the universe.

When we stand at our innate freedom, life is not linear but a intricate web of wonders.

I was almost there, the ultimate prize in my 10-year career goal.

My career was the foundation of everything else in my life or obstacles, depending what I put on hold for the sake of it.

If everything in life can be formulated with “If…, then…”, mine would always start with “If I have a solid career/hit my career goal/get a better package…, then…”

Then I met this French lady in her 60s who heartedly and generously laid her life plan in front of, taking with enthusiasm which would paled many in their 30s. In her world, there was no “if” and there was no “then” but a ton of possibilities and inspirations, waving the landscape of life; nothing got left behind and there was no beginning and no end.

“How will it be possible for me?”

It is not a destination but how we travel to it and who we become in the journey.

While geared up for the final sprint to reach my 10-year career goal in a 12-16 hour working schedule, I began exploring the intricate web of life. I trained regularly in the gym, wrote for online publications, studied and prepared for psychology counselor certification (and got it), learned my 5th language and more.

Meanwhile, I secretly hoped there would be more breath room once I “had it.”

Weren’t there words on the street that once we were set in career, everything would be set in life?

I did hit the goal and I did NOT feel set at all. The big hurray moment only lasted for 3 days before next round of anxiety hit.

By arriving at the so called destination, the achiever of me started asking “what’s next?” Next. Next. Next. I couldn’t catch a breath! I didn’t feel successful at all but a guinea pig running on a wheel and couldn’t get down.

“Where is the success promise land?”

“Is this how I want to spend the next 10-15 years of my life? Chasing next round of could-be success?”

The most powerful control is to see through our own need of it and let go.

I left the corporate life with the confident of “doing it again.” – Doing success again. Just this time, I intended to achieve in a bigger way, in every way in life. Career, Relationship, Health, Surfing…all.

I held onto my track records of achieving and dived right into goal setting, strategizing, planning and packed my calendar with to-dos, just this time not in an office but at a seaside house.

I put pressure, more than ever, on myself since I took a big gamble, I must win big to keep up the title of over-achiever. The reality was that I was in doubt, I lost confidence and nothing went as planned no matter how hard I worked. The formula of the past all failed terribly. More pressure.

At some point, I came to the understanding that I was not reengineering a new success so that I stop feeling the need to succeed. I was in the process to acknowledge the old way of life had to go and new way of everything had to be in place.

By admitting I didn’t know the way at all, gradually, doubts, questioning, sense of loss gave way to an internal lasting calm.

With calm, I understood myself in a way I never did before and this was when all external resources started to fall in place on their own.