Very much.
So much that we keep allowing it to put ourselves down.
I had thought I worked out my own self-sabotaging and -criticizing voice over the decade(s).
A couple of month ago, I did a trial facilitation in a peer group which I’d hoped to get in since last summer.
I admire every member in that group and have upmost respect for their work in coaching, guiding, mentoring and more.
I sweat through my undershirt in that winter evening.
I had never so nervous about something in my whole life. (Really, I searched my memories.)
There is the score system and feedback system at the end of each session on the person who leads the session.
I got my score. 8 out of 10 on the average.
It was way above my expectation and how I scored myself.
I appreciated the feedbacks, all solid and constructive, even encouraging.
I was pretty sure I would be able to get in as a regular member with that facilitation.
However.
Oh boy.
The voice in my head was killing me.
Nagging me not getting 10.
Nagging me how I screw up. (How??!!)
Nagging me not good enough for everyone else in the group.
I was physically put down by this voice even when I got the result I wanted.
A couple of weeks later, I was my turn to facilitate again.
I was trying something new.
I knew I would be raw and imperfect before I showed up as I’d never done what I intended to do before.
I made many mistakes on the technical side.
At the same time, I got 10 out of 10 from everyone as the impact that session created for them.
It was absolute thrill to get full scores from people I looked up to.
Guess what.
The voice went overboard the next day.
“You sucked so much!”
“You are SOOOOO.. far away to be the coach you want to be!”
“You made a fool out of yourself in front of people.”
“How can you have the nerve to even show up next week??!!”
I realized that how much I rooted for my own downfall even when I am not falling at all.
I realized that my self-loath was a way of protecting myself from the hurt of failure even when failure was not even close.
I realized that my self-loath was a way of dealing with the disappointment of my own imperfection.
There is not enough 10 out of 10 in the world to save me from this voice.
But.
I, alone, CAN.
I went sit at my meditation pose.
I listened to that voice without judging.
I thanked that voice for protecting me all of my life.
I said “I love you” to that voice.
I told that voice that it was ok now and we were safe.
I promised that if it ever came up again, I would always acknowledge it.
And there, it quietened down all of a sudden like its arrival.
I’ve been exploring some very deep layer of self-love recently.
I invite you to love yourself by
🩷 Trusting that you are safe.
🩷 Trusting that the so-called imperfection is the most perfect design for you.
Be love and be loved.